It is so easy to get caught up in it all, each of us having a different view of what the holiday means. It's so easy to get caught up in these views and expectations, to let impatience and bickering and anxiety take over. To let words come out of our mouths that we don't mean, to fail to see and express love in the ways that we would like. To sigh and roll our eyes at one more demand placed upon us, this my friends, is parenting. Through patience, thoughtfulness and just genuine thinking of the other fellow we get a restart, often and luckily many times in a single day. My ultimate goal is to get to the place of needing not so many restarts.
To be able to pause and listen and to really see the simplicity of something my brain is making just so darn complicated and messy at the moment. Pause to enjoy the struggle as well as the celebration. The struggle over bigger kids that no longer wear those cute little matchy matchy footed pajamas on Christmas morning. Bigger kids that are finding their way in their own life, with their own opinions and personalities with problems that I can't necessarily fix with a bandaid and a kiss. Bigger kids whose legs were "officially" measured and they are now longer than mine.
It's the struggle with losing valuable time rushing about living in ways that seem out of our control without giving kindness and gratitude. Or living in a way with kindness and gratiude that is not neccesarily coming from a genuine place deep down. It's the struggle with the missed opportunities in getting to the days when there are more "look backs" then "look forwards". It's the struggle with media's clouded view of the five perfectly dressed ("just get in front of the tree and smile or there will be no Christmas!!") people standing in front of the tree always implying and comparing in what "family" is supposed to mean.
Family means taking the good and the bad, wrapped up with a little acceptance, love and gentless for each other's stuff. Acceptace, and love and gentleness for my own stuff. The stuff I'm bringing with me long before these 4 amazing people came along. Acknowlging our disagreements, our differences, and then moving on, without a ton of discussion and dwelling, in this family.....that is how we roll. Seeing the "good old days" while we are living through them. There is no family in this life exactly like us.
This past weekend, we enjoyed dinners out with the Grandparents, Christmas lights and music. As we sat in large open grand church in Boston, with my little eight year old boy lying on and off on my lap begging me to scratch his back, I closed my eyes and let the beautiful choir music just fill me up....all the way up......that morning's bickerings slowly fading away. These days will be gone all too soon (not that I am sad that they are growing up, cause I'm really not, the people that they are grwowing into are amazing and I'm so proud to known them). BUT, I found myself also lingering in the local Target, where we had a hap-hap-happy old time Christmas shopping for each other while we all split up within the same store (brand new for us....and FUN!). I walked past the baby clothes with my girl, reminisced of days that seemed to have gone by in a millisecond, allowing my hand to touch the soft little sweaters that will no longer ever be worn. I said to her " Oh, isn't that cute?!". She said "yeah, but it's way too babyish" ......Yeah, that. Sister knows and fully embraces her growing up. How awesome is that?
At the end of the weekend, I found myself lingering a little longer at the shrine candles, saying a little prayer for those close to me who have lost someone this year, and a little prayer for the power's above to help me somehow to get to the place I want to be in Motherhood, even if I can't define what that place really is.
In the end, What they'll remember and take away from their Christmases is not the memory of wearing the matchy- matchy pajamas. They won't even remember the gifts they got any one year. What they'll remember is how they felt, and how they were listened to, valued and loved. Like the time when I was growing up when we all sang Christmas Carols at the top of our lungs complete with harmony in the back of the Buick Park Avenue. They'll remember our friend and family gatherings, our solstice fires, they days we spent baking and making together. This is the stuff that makes up a life.
Today Matters. Today is all I really have for sure. Let today be the day I can look back on, whether in tragedy or joy, and say today was not perfect, but it was memorable. Why? Because I encoraged, I smiled. I listened. I aplogized. I waited. I cared. I tried. But above all, I loved.......Oh, how I loved....I loved myself and I loved the people in my life. Isn't that the best part of living-to love and be loved? I think so. ---Rachel Macy Stafford
thank God, I get another day, hour,moment to restart. So, if you will excuse me, I have some curling up on the couch to do with some little-big kids to watch Christmas Vacation and The Polar express.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good night :)
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