My Motherhood story: Happy Mother's Day!

12 May

 Last weekend, I took a trip with some work friends to Boston for some R and R.  Shopping,Spa, dinner, brunch and laughs....It was nothing short of amazing.

 J was traveling for two straight weeks so I got to be there to see my Boy become a BEAR scout.   He's so proud of all the work he did this year. 

 And Mother's Day!  One of my favorite days of the year.  I think it's real easy to have high expectations for this holiday, you know that no one will argue, bicker and that you won't have to do a stitch of laundry.  After totally letting go of all of that, Mother's days have been amazing ever since.  All the little homemade surprises just totally melt my heart every year.  They work so hard on them, and I think L even mentioned this year that he was worried that it wasn't "ENOUGH".   God ALSO delivered a hot and humid day.,in which to get the garden planted.

 Kids went swimming in the pool!

 WE ran the traditional Mother's Day 5K. 

 They watched some Pink Panther (love that they are into vintage cartoons)

 They collected rocks.

 And they made me strawberry cream cheese stuffed french toast that was to die for.  Later in the afternoon, of course there was lacrosse, and then a blueberry cheesecake ice cream cone  on the way home. 

SO grateful I get to be their Mom and see their lives unfold.  I definitely don't always get things right, or have all the answers.  I definitely am not always kind, calm and collected.  But we are making it.   They truly are growing up.  Sometimes I can't breathe just thinking about it and then I remember what wonderful people they are becoming.  Really, the Best. Day.Ever.

4 March

 Right now.......

L started Basketball.  He complained about the fact that he had wanted to sign up and then seemed to change his mind.  He loved and it really good a shooting, plus his Best Buddy is on the team (which leads to auto playdates after practice).  He's psyched.

 B had her cardiology check up.  A little harder this time as she was very anxious about the doctor in general and whatever tests they are going to do.  Minnie went first of course.  Thankfully we are still on the every two year check up plan.  Phew. 

 Her Dance costumes came in.  She loves it.  This one is for ballet. 

 They had a girl scout glow Dance Friday night.  So social this girl, she is just soaring right now. 

 They decided to pull the bikes out on Saturday.  We are in serious denial that Spring is still very far away. 

 J had a trip this week and did some skiing in Colorado for "work"  Of course the girl flooded him with her usual cards when he got home (she had me make one too).  She makes cards for everyone now. 

 This boy qualified for states in the the 100 IM  last weekend.  States is in two weeks.  He also joined the Middle school team (season is only a month long). I was the teary eyed mom in the stands just beaming about the great race he swam.  Love that. 

 Hard to breathe at 11,000 feet.

and about the laundry (and regular blogging....sigh)  I am perpetually behind on everything at home.  The kids need us more than ever.  It was easier to sneak in a load when they were newborns it seems.  No, it never gets easier, parenting.  Just different.  Big kids=bigger problems.  More advice, more parenting.  Navigating middle school in a technological age. Navigating getting help when we need it.  Letting go of the stress and frustration with  a precious child with an unyielding determination, and the time and energy it takes to channel it into all the beautiful things he will accomplish someday.   These are the great years, but also the hard years.  The "I'm doing this because I love you and I want you to grow up to be a good kind person" years.  The time for phone calls and mommy friend playdates are pretty much non-existent years.  The holy crap we we are running out of time to do all the family things we have dreamed about years.  And the gym....I might have to ask Siri directions to there the next time I go.  I'm better at forgiving myself now, though, for all the mess ups.  For the asking for helps.  Thankful for the do-overs tomorrow gives us and that somehow the love we have for our kids will be enough to funnel into them making good choices someday.  If I wrote down the one thing I wanted to accomplish in life, this would be it.  I'm all in.  They will be alright.  

28 January

The memories my children carry with them into adulthood are largely up to me.  In the everyday routines of life I have the power to provide my children with countless loving memories of human connection.  I also have the ability to leave my children with a scarce supply of meaningful moments together.  The choice is in my hands.  For now, I want to continue to fill our days with bubbles, laughter and love.  And perhaps one day, a powerful memory will bring us together beneath the dim light of a kitchen sink, even when we are miles and miles apart. 
-Rachel Macy Stafford (Hands Free mama)

21 May

(photo- April 2014)

They are my everything.  Motherhood is crazy joy with a dash of suffocation.  This is all I ever wanted from life.  This journey. I get to be their Mom.  I can't wait to see who they become (maybe I can wait just a little).  Best part, tomorrow is a new day.  I can start all over again and do it better (thank god!).  They love me in a way that I'll never be loved.  -Mamalode

12 May

The weekend Lens......(Mother's Day edition)

Saturday, T had a lacrosse game in the pouring rain, (No photos).  B's baseball practice was cancelled.  T also had a friend F over all day.  Later on in the afternoon, it cleared up beautifully for spreading my mulch (I had awesome helpers!) and going to the High School Lax game. Not the greatest photo, but the HS boys were playing against Cape (different division) for a fundraiser for Autism Speaks.  There are two boys with Autism on the team.  T loved going and walking around with friends.  I remember doing that at the High School football games (kind of a rite of passage, I guess).  Anyway, so inspiring and mature these HS boys are.  WE're going to be there before we know it (sigh).

The afternoon also cleared up beautifully for L's very first Lacrosse game ever.  Seriously, it was so awesome to watch.  The boys from the other team were in K-1 and there was no pressure, no competition, just a lot of learning and fun.  So, SO refreshing.  My boy of course loved it and did AWESOME!  So unexpected.

watching him have this much fun after all that happened earlier  this year to him, well I was the teary eyed Mom behind the sunglasses, for sure.

Sunday......of course I woke up to lots of Hugs and kisses and homemade goodness!  Then off to do a fun run and a 5K with my loves.

T and I finished together....it was HOT!  I'm so proud of him.

They made me an amazing brunch when I got home.  Good thing I had run 3 miles :)

We finished off the day with a family yard lacrosse game, an awesome grilled dinner and a walk down by the shore.  Best. Day. Ever. I am so blessed.

11 May

To all the incredible selfless, amazing Moms' I know.  grab a tissue and watch.  Happy Mother's Day.

On Friends and Down syndrome

So, Speaking of really being a little down in the dumps about friends.  When B was about 6 months old we joined a playgroup for kids with special needs and their families.  One day another Mom and I were talking about really we just want our girls to have friends, that really is our biggest hope for them.  As B gets older, the struggles that she has in relating to and socializing with her peers are getting bigger.  She is noticing and the girls are noticing.  I know we will go through phases like this, but man, it's hard.  I like to throw myself a little pity party in these times and just cry and think to myself how tired I am of having the only kid who is over the top different., when  the junior high inferiority complex makes a surprise visit, especially when it comes to Moms and Daughters (yes, even I struggle with acceptance).   I found this little video that I love,  B and L  watched it last weekend....
I'm hoping they can use it at school and Girl Scouts......



And I read this.....

and I love these quotes.....

And even when we are a little lost, were learning and moving forward..... (and OMG, MY GIRL SKIIED!!!)

25 September

illness Day 26..... and my Boy is back at home, in bed resting and unable to go to school, yesterday back at the doctors AGAIN (He hates and is really deathly afraid of going to the doctors at this point) only for them to tell us to wait a bit longer, be patient and he will get well again. Thank you so much to the total stranger who rubbed by back in the elevator on the way up to the tenth floor yesterday as I sobbed trying to console my inconsolable, out of control, tired, boy who just didn't want to see another doctor.  All the things we have missed, school, apple picking, cool crisp nights gathering with family and friends (we barely make it to the grocery store), listening to the wonderful piano music he plays at night, him reading, playing soccer, doing homework. I keep telling everyone.....our new babysitter, the ones at work constantly covering for me....that this is not our normal.   We have been through "stuff", lots of "stuff" .  But I can honestly say this has been the hardest month of my life, and while I know it is not the worst it can be, my heart had literally been torn out and ripped into a million pieces.  He's tired, so tired still and angry, and sullen.  I'm so afraid that he will never be the same (he will).  Today, I let him be, I didn't try to make him get up or dressed or do anything I've been pushing him to do to get back to normal.  Just trying to melt into it and accept what is, trying to find the lesson in all of it.  I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm done with all of it.  There's my hard and clear.

12 September

New Jobs, new roles.  What I'm learning.

His new Job started in July.  This fall he's going to be traveling every other week.  So, every other week I'm a single Mom.  It's hard, and rewarding and fun and exhausting.  I'm learning to ask for and accept help (not east for me) and I'm so , so grateful for friends who check in, drop by with food and for awesome babysitters.  The first week was the first week of school.  I was all in, did too much and was so,  so tired by the end.  There was so much adjustment all around and schedules that were uncertain.  I wanted the job of two people to be done perfectly by one person.....pretty much impossible.  I'm learning that if there is a chore that needs doing I need to do it right away,  Letting the dishes and the laundry pile up totally overwhelms me.  I don't feel the least it guilty about using paper plates, every night.    I'm learning that when all three are calling my name and I can't do it all, that really, really, stresses me out.  I'm learning that sometimes if I lose it just a little, it's ok (they have heard all the curse words already on the bus, right?), they will forgive me and learn not to push and demand so much.  I'm learning that the best thing is to go to bed just after they go to bed.  I'm learning that i get really, really anxious about one of them missing the bus, because I couldn't possibly drive them to school and get back for the next bus.  I'm learning,  I'm certainly not perfect and I'm tired and grumpy at the end of the day.  I'm learning that I have to, HAVE to have a little time to myself each day, even if it's only 5 minutes.   Especially, when there are so many demanding questions from one sixth grader.  Throw major Sickness, broken toilets, missing work and falling off a bike into the mix and I have to remind myself to breathe and pray.  There's a reason to why I'm being challenged like this right now.  It's so the rest of the year seems so amazingly easy....right?!?!?

4/5 September

Right Now......
Middle School is in full swing.  He LOVES it and it shows.  He's taken on new responsibilities and freedoms.  There's no having to walk in a line everywhere at school.  Books are coming home, he's organizing himself, He's making his own lunch and setting his own alarm, walking to the bus by himself.  Homework and practicing are getting done without reminders.  I got him the boys guide to becoming a teen, a friend recommended it.   He's taking on some new chores at home.  He's gone from not telling me about anything to telling me EVERYTHING.  Constantly chatting about his views and opinions and asking questions.  Always asking questions (most of them I have to Google)..... so curious.  He is totally thriving and happy and I'm so proud of him.  This is big, I could get used to this.

I picked up a new read, saw it on someone's blog and it looked good.  An Adventure story I can get get lost in.  /the fleece pants came out tonight as temps dip into the 40s.  I'm not ready even though I love the crisp cool noights and everything about fall.  I'm not ready for summer to end.  My Girl, She's totally thriving in her new school.  She's so excited to show me every day what she brings home.  She's doing homework.  Her teachers have expectations for her, she's learning, and they are all over it.  It's amazingly refreshing to be so hands off for the first time.  She is totally thriving and happy and chatty and I'm so proud of her.

 My Boy is on day 5 of a fever, stomach ache, headache and feeling complete exhaustion (can't walk from couch to table).  He is so sick.  He's eaten nothing, hasn't brushed his teeth or changed his clothes.  He can't sit up because it hurts, he walks funny, and he's a bit delirious.  There's nothing I can do, my heart is just breaking.  Even though they expect a full recovery in 7-10 days, I have no idea how long it will take.   I'm so worried about what the long term effects may be.  I really hope he turns a corner soon.  I cry and I pray and I cry quietly some more.  One week ago he was a happy smart,  thriving little boy who just finished his first day of first grade.   We were riding our bikes and running together.  I'm so, so scared that he will never be the same.  All three children of mine have had a major health struggle at least once in their young lives. Nothing like having perspective slapped back into you time and time again.   It's more than one mama can handle.  There is no normalcy right now.  No real thinking beyond this day.  No making plans.    Yep, totally feeling sorry for myself at this moment.   Please, If you are reading this send him a prayer.  How totally unfair all of this is. Hopefully soon it will all be a distant memory.

18 June

So the first day of summer vacation was actually a pretty peaceful day spent at home doing....well whatever we wanted. A few chores, candy crush, going to a friends house, figuring out new rules, a make up tball game, starting our big sixth grade math packet. Not too much excitement for the first day( we will work up to it!) it all does just go by way too fast....read this. Happy summer!

10 June

The Monday of the last week.
        After over 1200 posts, I find myself at a loss on what to write about today.  It's the last week of school.  I hate endings, I'm no good at endings or good- byes.  I also suck at laundry.  I don't separate or Iron, I can't find my capris pants under my jammie pants.  I wore my sweater inside out to work this morning (thank God Someone pointed that out!)    Anyway, Their school experience, its sooo personal to me.  I drove by the High School graduation on Sunday.  I held my breath a little bit and said to myself..."thank God that's not me...I'm not ready yet..."  That's so dumb b/c I mean, that day is SUPER happy, I mean we have made it right....and we're still alive :)  There are so many more big changes to come our way....soon.  I hope I have time to let it all sink in a little.  THIS is happening!    Teachers, We love you, I can't think of any more job more worthwhile in the world.  None.  And If you have time...check out this post on Parenting and vulnerability.....Love that I can connect with other moms about sucking at laundry and messy game closets, and needing a mimosa by 9 am to get through the 1st week of summer vacation. (JK)   :)
Here's to summer being right on our doorstep!  Happy last week of school!

12 May

Motherhood...
Began almost 11 years ago and What a ride it has been.  Through all the tears, messes, heartache, exhaustion and JOY...... I wouldn't want to give back even one second of it.
When they say it changes you, it's an understatement.  What a gift....Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's I know.  Here's not not having a clue what we're doing most of the time, but doing it anyway.  Time to celebrate!   Really, I love you all :)

14 March

People ask me and wonder sometimes how I do it  (I definitely don't do ti ALL)........work, get three young kids to all their stuff.... homework, meals, keep up the home, organize, scrapbook, blog, laundry, meal planning, gardening, PTA, school volunteering, keeping up with IEPs and special education (at least 1 meeting a week) etc...... Well, First of all, I have an amazing husband who picks up the work right where I leave off.  I mean yesterday, I had the best intentions of grocery shopping and stripping all the beds and washing the sheets and putting them back on.  Then, I had to unexpectedly go into to work last night to cover someone who couldn't make it in, and he was able to meet me at Piano  bring the kids home, get them dinner (actually the kids made the dinner!), arrange swim carpool, clean up and finish the sheets.  So lucky.  And LOVE that he always cooks.Second of all, I would suggest not looking in my drawers and closets. I mean  keeping it real here, since I have really not much to do with  what the kids wear these days.  And a lot of the time they put away and sometimes even fold their own clothes.  So, their drawers look somewhat like a tossed salad of clothes, and I'm totally able to let that go.  Real life.  

Funny stuff.

Inspiring Post for today

Read here.

31 January

currently......
We just recently purchased a new vacuum.  We had an older Oreck that was about 15 years old that just bit the dust.  I'm enjoying having something that actually picks up dirt.

 I'm embracing the fact that if I want to fit a workout in, it's going to have to be at all times of the day.  The other day I did laps in the cul-de-sac while the kids played outside.  Better than nothing (and I just don't have energy to get things done without it).  Part of embracing the change of not having hubby working at home anymore.

I never shower until at least noon on the days that I'm at home.  After getting up at 5 am for work on Mondays and Tuesdays, the "You have to shower before you go to the bus stop or even school" rule flies right out the window in favor of catching up on sleep.  At the elementary school, they are used to seeing me in my workout clothes, no make up, bangs in a ponytail   They still love me:)

I'm loving making smoothies every morning for breakfast with Lucas.  I love how excited he gets whenever we do something together (and have it planned out in advance).  It's not about what we make or do, it's about the time, it's always about the time.

 It's a windy, blustery, sunny, and warm last day of January. These days I'm cherishing every minute that I get to spend at home, puttering, going online, reorganizing, actually finishing chores.   Someday I'll think about winter more than "something I just have to get through..."  Someday, Because really, It's a good part of our days.  

29 November

Today, I'm feeling myself totally inspired by this post: How to give, and so set to reflect upon that on my own.  Love Kelle, she is the REAL deal.  Anyway, I too have that flaw of being an OVERthinker.  Between that post and this class, I've been doing a lot thinking and reflecting about "cultivating a good life" and what that means to me.  No one can do it all, and as We approach the holidays and the new year (LOVE the new year) I'm going to sit down with a good old paper and pen and write down what those priorities are and live them every day.  Really, these things can be mine and mine alone.  Teaching the kids about meaningful giving, not so much even at this time of year, but everyday.  Making them conscious of who cooked their meals or drove them to sports or did the household chores.  Yes, living meaningful giving, in my own life, really will be the only way I know how to teach them.  They are not perfect as I am not perfect but everyday I will try to make them aware of how lucky they are.   It kills me that I won't know if It did it right for at least 10 or so more years:)

5 November

On How He's doing.

Slowly But surely......better. Even though I haven't shared a ton on this space about the aftermath of Trevor's concussion, It has been a haul.  The weeks feel like months.  He's attending full school days, and doing some homework and reading too.  He's played his saxophone a few times and is going to try band this week. He did 20 mins of swimming last Friday and is going to try more this week. He's been out to play with his friends and brother.  He still gets headaches and stomachaches, but only a few now.  He still has anxiety at bedtime.  Hes' still a little irritable but that's getting better.   We've taken him to the doctor, a physical therapist, soaked his feet in Epsom salts (heard that helps) and given him Homeopathic Stress relief drops.  We've talked to other parents, the school nurse, the gym teacher and the Principal.  We have a "plan" at school.  Luckily, this is not a permanent situation.  I give him big hugs every day when he gets home from school.  I'm still terrified of him getting hurt again, but slowly letting go.  Slowly.