365::134

Mornings....

Tuesday is pick up day.

Tuesday is the day I always pick Trevor up at school.  It used to be because he had swimming lessons and it was nice to get home a little earlier before we had to go.  Now that lessons are over, it's just nice to see Trevor's smiling face coming down the hall at the end of the day and it's my day off anyway.  

     A lot of times, I like to bring Breanna with me to the school to practice walking holding hands in from the car and she LOVES to watch the buses and play on the playground.  A lot of other Mom's are there waiting to pick up their kids and you can tell that Breanna makes them a little uncomfortable at times (she is very LOUD usually when she tries to verbalize things).  I don't really care however, but it's hard for me to try to strike up a conversation with a Mom I don't really know because I feel like I don't really fit in with them.    I think it's more me than them b/c I see them walking out of school with their typically developing daughters and I sometimes look at them and wonder if Breanna will ever be there, running and playing with her friends, listening to her i-pod, or texting on her cell phone.  I can't help but feel a little sad about it.  Maybe that will get better with time, or maybe it won't.  

The weather was beautiful, sun shining, cool breeze blowing.  I see Trevor's bright shining face coming down the hallway to greet me.  Did you have a good day at school? , I asked, He said, Yeah, Can we play on the playground?  Sure, I said.  I asked Breanna if she wanted to play, she said, YEAH!, so off we went.  Trevor ran full speed with two of his buddies to the monkey bars.  and proceeded to fool around, standing on top, climbing and using their best potty-talk boy playground conversations with each other.  It is really a hoot to see.  

Breanna navigated the playground with ease, but hersometimes  funny walk and loud voice, some people would stare at her.  Then Trevor's friend said to him, Trevor your little baby sister is REALLY WEIRD!.  Trevor could have cared less and really just ignored the whole thing and went about playing and laughing.  But for me, I felt the lump come up into my throat.  This is just the beginning I thought.  This really caught me off guard.  Do I say something to the little boy explaining that Breanna has Down Syndrome and what that means?? or maybe his mom?  What would I even say?  I guess I haven't really prepared myself for this yet. I decided to ignore the whole thing and head toward home.   I felt that lump again, thinking of how long this journey will be through the school years, not just for me, but for my sons as well.  Now, I really don't expect a first grader to understand what Down Syndrome is, really.  But what scares me is the fact that there are so many older people out there who don't understand it at all.   Another scary thing is  now that Breanna is getting older,  others  are going to start having expectations of how she should be especially when they don't realize her disability. She's not just hidden at home anymore or at her special preschool.  I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for my boys.  They don't have the adult sense and reasoning skills yet.  How will it affect them when people make comments about Breanna to them, or don't want to visit the house because of her?  All I want is for her to run and play with her friends, and do the things that kids do.  I know it won't be easy, I don't expect life to be.  That is why it will be oh so great when I can look back on this post and know we have gotten there.....

365::133

THe K-12 Art Show 2009.  I always LOVE this.

365::132

Just loving this, it's so fun to see yourself through the eyes of a six year old (well six and three quarters to be exact!)

Mother's Day 5 K and Kids 1K Fun Run

Just super fun.....I'm hooked (and tired too)!

Enjoy the pics!

365::131

Mother's Day 2009

• Suprised with tea in bed and Trevor's homemade cards and gifts
  
• Ran my first 5 K ever!
  
• A HUGE omlet breakfast
• a trip to Lowe's
• relaxing,reading magazines and  a having a BBQ dinner
• Josh doing everything (thanks honey!)
• A nice walk with the boys
• lots of playing, hugs and kisses
• pretty much the best day ever.

On Mothering.

Now.

                                                         And then,  My first Mother's Day, May 2003

No One ever told me.......

How hard and incredible this mothering experience would be

how much I would change with each child

That I could be perfectly happy with a life that didn't turn out at all how I had expected.  

That the fear, worry and responsibility would drive me crazy sometimes.

That I would always wonder if I was doing the right thing....

That I would put my heart and soul and every fiber of my being into this job and still love it.

That I  would forget what a full night's sleep felt like and still be fine.

That you guys would be fine if I didn't do everything perfectly.

That you would love me no matter what my mistakes were.....

This poem touched my heart:

For my kids....... (By Karin from here.)

Sometimes I miss you while you are sleeping
And I wonder if I looked at your eyes enough today
Or hugged and kissed you enough
Or made you laugh enough

Sometimes I miss you while you're at school
And I wonder if I made the right choice to keep working
Or if I should have stayed home
Or been your at-home teacher

Sometimes I miss you while you're taking a time-out
And I wonder if I'm being too hard on you
Or if I'm fighting the right fights
Or giving the right discipline

Sometimes I miss you while I'm making your dinner
And I wonder if you notice that I pour my love into every meal
Or if you'd rather I order in and spend time with you
Or invite you to the kitchen to help

Sometimes I miss you while you're playing in the other room
And I wonder if I should come play with you
Or make up a new game
Or teach you my favorite one

Sometimes I miss you while you're right next to me
And I wonder what it will be like when you've grown up
Or when you go away to college
Or when you visit on the weekends with my grandkids

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I could stop time
And play with you and savor you and love you
Or hold you until my arms don't feel the impending emptiness
Or talk to you until there is nothing left to say

Love you guys....most of all for making me a Mom and the person I am today.  

Happy Mother's Day , Mom and to all the Amazing Moms I know.  Motherhood is a gift, let's celebrate!

365::130

Just hanging out on the back deck with a little Play-doh, a little potty training, a few beverages, an awesome steak sandwich, an unexpected flower delivery:), and a great walk to our favorite ice-cream place.  Gotta LOVE Saturdays in May.,....

365::129

Just and ordinary walk on the marsh on an ordinary day. The highlight was throwing rocks off the bridge and looking for birds. Peaceful.

365::128

Thursdays.

It's the get ready for the weekend day (since it's my day off) and chore day.  Meal Planning, grocery list making, laundry doing, bathroom cleaning, errand running, etc, etc.....  My system for planning meals has worked really well for us for about the past 4-5 years.  We make a menu for the week and try to mix up recipies from new magazines and our old standbys depending what is going on that week and when the work days and sports practices are.  Then I make a grocery shopping list (divided by isle) for the big shopping trip on Friday mornings (my crazy day).  Usually this helps me not to forget  anything, although there is usually another shopping/errand day on Tuesday to pick up a few more fresh things and household items.  I'm looking forward to taking part in our brand new Farmer's market this year, we have already bought into a share from a local farm.  This week is dreary and rainy, but Summer is coming.....

365::127

rocks + puddle + worms = hours of little boy fun ("Look at this Mama!")

365::126

Blue Point Spring concert 2009.  These group of kids were just so enjoyable.  Stay tuned for more pics and video:)

Blue point Spring Concert

Theme: Songs form around the world.....  Enjoy!

365::125

You at two:

Your newest word, "Of Course!"

365::124

 Some birds enjoying dinner on the feeder (boy do they eat ALOT!).

365:123

The first big game.

And after we accidentally left our hat and glove at the field and Lucas didn't get a good nap in....well the day just went downhill from there.  Thank god tommorrow is a new day!

the look.

I wonder where she gets this look from?!?

life is too short.

I have missed a few weeks at the gym--school vacation, crazy work schedule (I know, excuses). When I got back today there were signs all over that one of the instructors (who I had been taking classes from for at least 5 years) was killed tragically and they were raising money for her children. This is what happened. Please Pray for those girls. It is so sad to see someone taken out of your life that you knew, but didn't really know. It really makes you think. Thank you God for this day, and that I can go home and hug my kids tonight and tommorrow.....

365::122

One of my favorite summer salads.

365::121

Today:

Feeling good that I've gotten alot of time with the kids during the past few weeks but terrrible that I haven't gotten a workout in.

Feeling good about working a lot of Day shifts to be home after school for family dinner and tucking into bed, but horrible getting up at 5 am and burning the candle at both ends.

Feeling scared about this whole swine flu outbreak hitting close to home.  Just waiting and knowing that anything bad could happen at anytime just kills me!

Feeling bad that I can't make it to a really improtant event that I was recently invited to, I always try to make it to the really important stuff.

Feeling really excited about our Disney trip next November, we booked our place!

Feeling excited for Trevor's baseball season-1st practice tommorrow!

Looking forward to the first grade Spring Concert next Tuesday.

Today's challenge

go here.

365::120

cutie boy! You are growing too fast.....

365::119

• cool then warm unpredictable breezes moving form the sea to the land and then vise versa
  
• the smell of the fresh air
  
• a surprise afternoon at the shore and a picnic dinner, moving between beaches on either side of the cove
• ending up on the large side and deciding to stay just a little longer for the endless play that the sea has to offer
• the most amazing story of the day was how Bre was right in the middle playing with a group of Trevor's friends--throwing rocks in the water and making sandcastles.  GO BRE!
• no words can describe the feeling of a real beach day in Maine in April.  

365::118

My favorite summer beverage:  Fresh  Lemonade with citrus slices 

completely refreshing

365::117

First day at the beach this year (in true Mainer style--it was COLD!)

365::116

Around the fire......

Getting warm.

Past Breanna's bedtime :(

Watching the first star come out and making a wish..

Naming our top 5 favorite  and least favorite candies of all time.

Josh favorite: Snickers, Peanut butter cups, gummie bears, Swedish fish, Junior mints

Me favorite: Peanut butter cups, Reces Pieces easter eggs, Gummy bears, Hershey bars, Lindt truffles

Trevor favorite: Twizzlers, Peanut butter cups, Smarties, Gummy Bears, Marshmallows

Lucas  favorite: "chocolate!"

The WORST: Circus peanuts, Candy corn, Marshmallow peeps, Cadbury cream eggs, snow caps

Looking forward to many more fun conversations around the fire this summer.

we all scream for....

We are just so happy Summer is coming early this year.  Tonight the first Dairy Corner ice cream of the year and we enjoyed every lick:)

365::115

morning moments.

(and Thank God for cameras, because these moments are gone in an instant.)

365::114

The beginning of a littel 4 day Family spring Vacation, getting the garage cleaned out, and getting the bikes out.  Right now every second of the day Lucas asks, "go outside, ride bikes!"  and he has several to choose from (but likes the pink the best:))  

365::113

YOU.....without the spoken word you sense things about people, animals and the world.  You have a very special spirit, energy and love within you.  

365::112

Dreaming of summer.....of days at the beach, warm weather and fresh fruits and vegetables.  I hope it is right around the corner (maybe this weekend!!)

365::111

introducing the newest memeber of our large dog family--  "Uncle" Ike.  Trevor's spending a few days with him this week (without Mom and Dad!).  Puppies and little kids just go well together.  

Pictures from the weekend.

Four.

Happy Birthday Lily!  We you had a great day!   We Love you and miss you pretty  girl.

365::110

favorite days spent with friends.....

• the fact that five kids under the age of 7 could play peacefully with minimal adult intervention all weekend.
• The chainsaw story (I laughed so hard I cried...)
• hiking in the woods (and seeing some scary snakes, turtles and salamanders) and loving that we all like to do the same things
• The weather!
• The volcano eruption
• The first s'mores of the year.
• The bouncie house (you could not rip Breanna away from that thing!)
• totally sucking at the 80's edition of trivial persuit(were't we still watching Sesame Street in the 80's?)
• lava cakes
• laughing and talking like we had just seen each other yesterday
• good food, good drink and good times...Thank you guys!
  
  

365::109

riding a two wheeler for the very first time all by yourself ---you just picked it up and did it!  (I'm sure that the fact that it was a Strawberry Shortcacke bike will come back to haunt you someday--but we're so proud of you!)

365::108

We're off.

After a VERY stressful night at work last night spent thinking and rethinking about a lot of things which led to a very restless night's sleep last night, a bunch of cranky crying kids this morning while trying to get ready and pack for this weekend and a husband who decided it was necessary to run out to Target this morning b/c he had "no clothes" , I'm beginning to rethink the whole Disney World trip thing.  Anyway, we're off for a fun (hopefully) weekend visiting friends in Southern New England.  Here's to warm temperatures, relaxing and Barbequeing with great friends!  See you back here Sunday night with photos!  Have a great weekend!

365::107

Love this.

A friend of mine and I were talking at work the other night. The difference in ages between her oldest and youngest is 10 years. She said, " the best part about the kids and their age difference is the gift the younger one has been to the older one. It is like the older child gets to feel the love that a parent has for a child when they are still so young" Pretty cool.

365::106

Gosh you are growing up fast.

You have an iPod (I don't)

You have two big teeth!

Your smile and your laugh are contageous.

You are so handsome.

Love you, my boy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. Head over here to see pics from Jeff's big homecoming.  Not a dry eye in the house I tell you.....

When it comes to special needs children

Sometimes it's so hard to find people that really "get it."  I'm not blaming the rest of the world for not understanding, all I'm saying is that when I find someone out there who really gets it, I just want to hang on to that person.  Sometimes you don't even get it yourself until talking with others in the same situation.  This was said to me today.  I haven't heard words this true in a long time.

It's just different and people don't get it.  You're running around and doing all these things for your special needs child, taking them to endless appointments, researching and calling and finding new therapies, seeing doctors, meeting with teachers.   You sort of  become more of a manager of that child.  It doesn't leave much room for forming a relationship with them.  Sometimes they just need to be the child and you need to be the parent.  

AND, on a really positive note, I met Breanna's new Speech therapist today....in the 10 mins I Talked with her I already know I'm going to love her:)  Breanna now oficially has the most amazing group of people working with her, people who would give their right arm to help this little girl.  It has taken a while to get here, but it was worth it!

365::105

the funny things you do right now.

I love how you put your finger up and say, "Lucas have idea"

I also how you love to play, "throw chase", golf, and you  love to mop the floor

I love how you can count to twenty with help.  

You are a cutie!

365::104

Welcome home soldier!

We missed you so much and can't wait to catch up....Talk to you soon!

365::102

Happy Easter!

365::101

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa for our new Easter shirts!

365::100

just drawin'.....

Tiny dancers...big hearts NBC nightly news

Watch here...and here .....and here......

I can't wait until Breanna can be a part of something like this!

365::99

winter's end.....the VERY last little patch of snow in our yard.

365::98

On Parenting.

Whenever one of our kids has an "issue" Josh and I usually get together after they go to bed and talk about what to do.  Usually the resolve is figuring out how we can do better as parents.  Usually, what the problem child needs is more love/attention/one-on-one time OR more limits.  With her, We are trying the first, first--she deserves at least 1/3 of the attention right?  Josh and I concluded that we weren't living in reality just thinking that someday Breanna will just wake up talking, it's going to take ALOT of hard work.  TIme for us to work harder and be better parents.  Time for more routine in our life.  This morning Josh got up with her and involved her 1:1 in all the morning chores---making breakfast, feeding the dog, etc....  hopefully her cup was full with that today and things will get better.  I'm so glad that we can see parenting as a team approach and that one of us doesn't always have all the answers.  I'm so glad we can let some things go to be mindful of what they need.  And that, well,  it fills my cup:)

365::97

A two year old's day out.

drop off sister at preschool

grocery store

kids' second hand clothing store

Doctor's appointment (25.2 lbs, 33 1/4 inches tall-1 shot) where he just HAD to press the elevator buttons

Lunch (egg and cheese bagel sandwich from Dunkin Donuts)

Toys R Us for gifts (fell asleep in the cart)

Staples for more printer ink (asleep on Mom's shoulder)

Snipitz for more girl hair stuff.

Pick up sister from preschool

home.

snacks, outside, playing with toys (dumping, throwing, fighting with sister etc...) "helping" with dinner, pick out "cozies", read books...bed.  (phew!)

Lessons from children.

Breanna is sick again today. WE had a REALLY difficult weekend with her. To the doctor today and she's on a albuterol nebulizer and an antibiotic now . Hopefully she gets back to herself soon. So Scary to think about what has happened to some other children I know with DS who have gotten pneumonia. Their little lungs (with the low muscle tone) just couldn't handle it. Inspiration for today here. Looking forward to summer.....

365::96

The fist time I ever really danced (and it was just about the cutest thing that I have ever seen!)

and look who slept through the night last night for the very first time (I'll dance to that!)

365::95

Egg coloring day.....

(and TRevor was BEGGING to do this from the moment he woke up this morning!)

Egg coloring Day

Enjoy!

365:94

Just our usual pre-bedtime wrestling time.....

365::93

I'm grateful to be starting our morning together, no matter where the day might take us. AND today, we're celebrating Lucas sleeping through the night for the very first time!!!

365::92

B. D. Gulledge : I used to sit on the banks with a raft and watch the water roll lazily by. One day I pushed my raft into the shallows of the water and found the water moved swifter than I thought. My raft was actually a boat. Then, after some time, I rowed my little boat into deeper water. There were great storms, mighty winds, tremendous waves, and sometimes I felt so alone. But I have noticed my little rowboat is now a mighty ship manned by my friends and loved ones; and beautiful calm seas, warm sunny days, and nights filled with comfortable dreams always double after a storm. Now, I could never go back and sit on the bank. In fact, I search for deeper water. Such is life when lived.

Ali's post yesterday about Autism really made me pause and reflect on OUR journey and where we have been and how we have changed. I can't believe how different my life is from what I expected it to be. Even though it still resurfaces at times, we can celebrate the fact that we have conquered the grief of not having the child that we expected. And we CAN have high expectations, but also keeping in mind what is REALLY possible. The great thing is though, the people we have come into contact through our journey. People we would have never normally met. We share the vulnerability we each inherited when our particular child was born to us. The automatic humbling that came to us, every one and out of it was created a kinship unlike any other but that pain can bring. The final proof of our humanity is in the non-comparing love we can show for our children and for each other. (**excerpt from DS News 2009#2). We are there to help each other out of that deep water.

What I really can't wait for is the day, Breanna, that you are fully talking. I can't wait to see how your mind works and all the thoughts that occupy your time. I can't wait to hear your questions and I can't wait to explain things to you and see your mind working to digest them. I can't wait to tell you about why the sky is blue and the grass is Green, I can't wait to hear your thoughts about the world and the things you love to watch. I can't wait to get to a place where your speech skills catch up with your obvious need to communicate. Until then, I can only be grateful for how far we have come to get to today, and how you have taught me patience. Good things come to those who can wait.

365::91

Dear Lucas,

Tonight you are asleep in your crib by yourself for the very first time. The crying was heartbreaking, but please know that we still love you with all our hearts....so much so that we need to give you this greatest gift. The gift of sleeping through the night and waking up rested, well and ready to play!

Love,

Mommy